It seems ironic to me that in this season of Advent—the Advent I’ve spent two years preparing for, the one in which I’m doing four radio interviews, four periodical interviews, countless blog entries, and five book signings to help families move toward a less crazed, more relaxing, and holy Advent season—that in this season, it is me who is feeling stressed, crazed, and utterly unable to find the peace and holy hush I have been so relentlessly advocating.
I made a mistake in Advent calendar scheduling this year. It goes like this:
- At the end of Week 1, I sandwiched our day trip between two cookie baking days.
- The second cookie baking day was compacted into the afternoon, because we had choir in the morning, meaning 3 hours at church on the heels of a long (napless) day and a short night.
- We followed it up with three days in a row of more late nights and virtually no naps.
- In the meantime, I spent the days tearing through a really big writing assignment while simultaneously preparing for a really important presentation to the priests of the diocese. (When the Bishop invites you, you don’t say, “I’m sorry, this is a busy week, can we try a different one”?)
The net result is that by the time we got the house clean, ten short minutes before the first guest arrived for the choir party on Friday night, we were all spent. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. And apparently one recovery day is not enough, after a week like this. Sunday morning overflowed with bullying and threats and privileges revoked and all manner of disciplinary action. Church was a five-way wrestling match, and we all know wrestling matches at church do not foster spiritual growth. In fact, as I wrestled kids into coats and stumbled toward the church doors, everything seemed a little hazy. Somehow, in the past few weeks, I’ve become a spiritual zombie.
My inner critic is having a heyday. If you can’t even keep yourself from short-circuiting during Advent, then everything you’ve written is a big sham. Of course, it’s been coming on longer than Advent; I’ve been living and breathing Advent—the business end—for six months. And I know that’s a big part of the problem.
But it’s also the 20-month-old who doesn’t understand that he can’t eat his dinner till we pray, whose howls of outrage can unhinge me quicker than any other sound in the world (including all those Christmas songs I hate). It’s feeling rushed to get dinner on the table in time to eat before music students arrive…life, in other words.
Yet I believe in the project, because in other years, in other times, it has done for me what I tout on a daily basis. And this year, even amid my own spiritual desolation, I see it on Alex’s face.
Lessons are done now until January. And the crazy week is past. So perhaps by the time we light the last purple candle, I will have regained my equilibrium. I can hope, at least. And in the meantime, I can turn my mind toward the blessings I’ve been overlooking:
…chubby hands, more munchable than the cookies they cut…
Having lots of help to decorate the cookies (I really loathe this job. Yes, I’m weird. But I like my gingerbread plain, thank you very much. Icing=blech!)
…For hayrides through remote, beautiful winter woods…
…for rows of trees marching over the rolling hills…
…for tranquil hills wreathed in mist and cloaked in silence…
….for running children…
…for the magic of watching children transfixed by beauty…
…and of an Advent wreath in the darkness.
The beauty is there. I just have to figure out how to slow down and live in the present.
*
Counting to a thousand with Ann.
Kathleen M. Basi 
“The business of Advent” is really profound, huh?
It’s a dilemma faced by everyone who ‘sells Christmas’, expecially retailers, who are all experiencing a heavy rush of customers/orders – frantic and frazzled, and unable to stop and simply enjoy what needs to be celebrated.
When I decided to quit my retail management job to stay home and run my art business (while raising three kids), I wanted to build a closer family. No more 6:00AM trips to daycare, and no more babysitters on Thanksgiving.
Yet all this biz pressure to promote, network, and simply “do more” … means that I’m not fully engaged with my family, even when I’m in the same room.
They are acting out, suffering for my attention, and feeling frustrated I lash out at my husband – “Next year, I’m hiring a sitter to manage them, so I can get more work done!”
And then… this morning, the kids and I spent some quality time together, and my Jacob innocently asked: “Happy now, Mommy? Are.. happy now?”
(He’ll turn two in April, and hasn’t mastered the pronouns yet, lol) I don’t want my children to look back and remember: “Gee, Mommy was always mad and grouchy.”
Business is just business, but family is everything.
Ooh, this is definitely profound. Thanks, Tara.
Thanks to you! For writing a blog that makes people stop and think in the midst of the frenzy. 🙂
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to write an entire post in the “comment” box. LOL
First of all, I *love* the pictures. Beautiful.
Secondly, I wonder if in some odd way mothering young children is a bit like college. Only instead of finals you’re spending the Advent season trying to make sure that your children build the perfect memories (or at least don’t kill each other fighting over cookies and presents). If so, I have nothing to say except good for you for struggling through!
This is the first Advent in my adult life that I’m not either drowning in school or financial stress or both. And it is amazing how much easier it is.
Which is simply to say keep doing what you can to shut up your inner critic. You’re living well with what God has for you today. And if God wanted you to have perfect peace then you’d not be a mother of 3 young children called to all the things you are!
/preachy preachy
Thanks, Rae.
I love what Rae said:
“if God wanted you to have perfect peace, then you’d not be a mother of 3 young children…”
Amen to that! 😀