If you’ve ever expressed frustration, annoyance, or anger over something your kids have done, I’m sure you’ve heard these words: “Oh, these years go so quickly. Just enjoy them, because someday you’re going to wish you had them back.”
People mean well. They feel nostalgic about the years their kids were little. Time has blurred the memories and left mostly good (which is as it should be), and they want to urge us not to waste life focusing on the negative. But I confess that when I hear these sentiments I just get more frustrated, annoyed, or angry.
Nostalgia is healthy, but not when it denies reality. Sure, I have tender memories of the nursing stage—the cuddling, the mewing noises, the feel of baby fingers trickling along my flank like raindrops. But I don’t miss having to haul Baby on dates. I don’t miss milk duct plugs and smelling like breast milk ALL THE TIME for A WHOLE YEAR. I love nursing, and I will always treasure the experience, however many times I get to do it—but that doesn’t mean I’m going to wish I had it back once it’s done.
I think most of the people who say “you’re going to wish you had them back” would hastily reconsider if presented with the reality of several years’ unabated teething, toilet training and dirty diapers. Kids are a package deal. It’s fine and even healthy for people to filter the unpleasant parts out of their memory and enjoy the good memories, but telling parents in the thick of it to deny their entirely natural frustration when their child throws a tantrum, colors on the walls/table/floor/toys/dry-clean-only-fill-in-the-blank, or screams for twenty minutes because he wants fruit and bread, not meat and vegetables…
Ahem. You get the idea.
The problem is that I already feel guilty for ever getting upset. I think about how long it took us to conceive the first time, and how many people I love dearly now feel the same desperate longing for the children I’m so mad at. Surely I should spend every moment of my life in gratitude; surely I have no right to complain.
But that’s irrational. You’d have to be superhuman not to become frantic with three children whining, fighting over objects and breaking things while you’re trying to get dinner made. To deny a person the release of frustration, a normal, healthy human reaction, sounds to me like a good way to have a nervous breakdown.
What people are really trying to say with the words “you’re going to wish you had them back” is this: Savor the good times. Be present in your family life, and allow yourself to be struck by the wonder of what is happening before your eyes.
And that is a good sentiment. But it’s okay to get mad, too.
***
Note: a good friend of mine (coincidentally a priest) expressed some reservations about the statement “it’s okay to get mad.” Wrath/anger, he points out, is one of the seven deadly sins, because they lead us to other sins. Frustration is natural, but we need to guard how we express it.
So perhaps it’s fairer to say that frustration in child rearing is a reasonable reaction, more than to say that anger is okay. Anger is inevitable, but we shouldn’t go around justifying it.
-K.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. HOnestly, when they are just about 10 and they think they know it all and huff and sigh at everything you say…the kids NEED a parent to set them straight! Can you tell where I’m at these days? LOL
🙂 Every age & stage has its own ups and downs. I imagine when I get there I’ll say, “Oh, it was easier when you couldn’t talk!” but right on hte heels of it will be the self-reminder that when they couldn’t talk, they also had to be dressed (by me), toileted (by me) and carried (by me). Ups & downs.
Oh, man, it had BETTER be okay to get frustrated! Otherwise I’m in trouble. 🙂
Here’s to a good day for you, with no fights and at least a few happy moments of peace!
Well, Jesus got mad – I call it righteous riled-up-ness. I guess maybe there are different kinds of anger:) I just got mad at one of my sons last night – and verbally lambasted him – because nice calm encouraging shepherding in the right direction attitude just did not work.
BTW – Yes – when your teen son texts you he hates you (all for making him do what he is supposed to do) – you will miss the days when he cuddled into you, when he got mad and all it took was a nap to make him happy again, when he wrapped his arms around your neck and said, “I love you to God’s Beard and Back.”
However, I think a good mom gets angry – she has, too!
This is a great post, Kate! Thanks for the reassurance 🙂
Rant on! I’ve been thinking along these lines myself–although I only have an almost-two-year-old to deal with. When people say, “Enjoy them while they’re young; it goes by so fast,” they don’t realize it was actually sleep deprivation that wiped their memory, hence the sense that it passed quickly. 🙂
LOL! Or else they are suffering from amnesia due to post traumatic stress. 😉
Hahaha! You’re both hilarious!
That “angry sphynx” image just made me laugh out loud! He looks like me – when I’m hissing and growling at my three little beasts!
I agree that telling someone to “cherish these moments” is a bit insensitive; rather they might offer their experienced advice on handling these cherished moments. LOL
While my children are behaving themselves, I like to take snapshots of them.. as I’m sure you do, as well.
Whenever they turn rabid, it helps to dig out the photographic proof of their innocence in order to remind me: “This too shall pass.”
In an hour, they will be kissing and hugging again. 🙂
Generally speaking I would rather people don’t pull out their experienced advice, either; seems like it always advises me not to do what I know I need to do because I’m the one that’s with my kids day in & day out. 🙂 Yes, I’m a horrid know-it-all.
We were told I could not conceive so when I delivered a baby you can imagine how happy we were. I just knew I would be mother earth. What a surprise! I had no idea how much work was involved. And if you’ve never used cloth diapers, well, you have no idea. When the baby started to smile, l knew I would have died for him inbetween the times I hoped someone would kidnap him. Luckily for both of us, the older he got, the better mother I became. Some women are baby/toddler mothers. I was not one of them. Give me a teenager any day! Never feel guilty. It’s a waste of time.
Due respect to Father, but scripture does have some fairly clear references to what I have been told is termed “righteous anger”…but that is a different post. As a father of nine, I share your “frustration” often. We do indeed have selective memories…more so my wife, frankly, than I, and teenaged years have jaded me a bit…LOL! Good luck, and forget the diapers, rashes, tantrums, dirt, and screaming.
I’ll forget them if I ever get clear of them. 🙂
When a child causes justifiable anger in a parent, the parent has a duty to express that anger to the child.
A priest I know has always said that anger itself is just a feeling. We cannot help that. It is what we DO with the anger that matters.
I’ve heard many times that feelings aren’t right or wrong–they just are. Kids of all ages are a blessing–and a challenge.
My eight year old slipped out of an after school program this past week and attempted to walk home before he was spotted and picked up by the principal. For a time, the administration had no idea where he was.
It was humiliating to say the least. But I was reminded (by God?) of the time this boy was three, in the hospital, struggling to overcome dehydration associated with rotavirus and telling God then He couldn’t have him yet.
So, yeah, work through the tough times and love them.
It’s so interesting to see what posts really resonate with people. Thanks, everybody, for sharing your thoughts!
Whenever my pastor has taught about the rite of confession and examination of conscience, he has always emphasized that feelings are not a sin. Rather, what matters is what you do with the feelings. You can walk away from the temptation or you can give into it, but just having certain feelings/being tempted is not a sin.
I recall one of my professors remarking (tongue-in-cheek) that the “best” parenting advice he ever heard was from people who had no kids–i.e., it sounded good, but it was just theory, not based on actual experience. Another professor of mine remarked that before he had children of his own, he always wondered how child abuse could be possible; then he had children of his own and understood why! 🙂
But seriously, though I don’t have kids, I can understand how a parent could once in a while really blow their stack, especially they’re dealing with a very difficult child. Yes, anger and frustration are normal emotions that we will invariably experience at times. In those cases, we just need to remember St. Paul’s admonishment: “Be angry, and sin not.” So see, even Paul acknowledged that anger in itself is not a sin!
Evan
I completely agree with everything you said!! I think what people forget is how all-consuming and exhausting parenting small children is. You never, ever get a break unless they’re sleeping, and then you’re frantically running around trying to get things done. I walk around angry and frustrated more than I care to admit. Thanks for reminding me I’m normal and human.