Today’s prompt for Red Writing Hood was to write a conversation that shows us the relationship between two characters–in 300 words. I figured out my concept pretty quickly, but diving in was tricky, with a new character I didn’t really know. In any case, here’s more of the story about Carlo and Alison and their troubled marriage (previous excerpts here, here and here). In this case, Trouble is named David. How’d I do? Can you tell the relationship between these two?
***
“That,” David said, “was a great meal.”
Alison smiled, her fingers rubbing the container of pasta she’d been too tense to swallow. The bus boy cleared the table with practiced efficiency, then retreated.
…I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…
“Allie, I’ve really enjoyed working with you. You know that?” David’s voice interrupted Bing’s crooning, his hand creeping across the table toward hers.
Hastily, Alison picked up her water goblet and tipped it into her mouth, buying time, but she couldn’t think properly with his eyes gleaming beyond the glass, reflecting the flickering light of the oil lamp in the center of the table. “It’s nice to catch up,” she said at last. “Sometimes I miss home. It’s nice to hear the stories. To know that things haven’t changed.”
He reached for a straw and casually punched it through its wrapper. “Everything changes. You, me.” A hesitation. “Us.”
…and may all your Christmases be white…
She stared at his hands as they played with the paper. Her skin tingled, wondering what melodies those fingers might play on her skin, if only… “David,” she said softly, “I’m married.”
He looked up then. “So am I,” he said, and a shoulder twitched. “Technically speaking. But we’re both on the way out.”
Hearing it stated so baldly tore her insides open. She threaded her fingers together and squeezed tight.
“Hey.” David reached across the table and gripped her wrist. “I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you.”
Oh, the sympathy, like rain on the arid ground of her starved soul. She closed her eyes. Surely God couldn’t grudge her a little happiness, could He? “I’m not ready yet, David.”
He held her gaze for a long moment, then nodded. “I get it,” he said. “I was raised the same way. I’ll wait.”
Kathleen M. Basi 
Great job! I felt the tension, his certainty, her uncertainty… my gut is still tense from reading it!
I particularly liked- “Oh, the sympathy, like rain on the arid ground of her starved soul. She closed her eyes. Surely God couldn’t grudge her a little happiness, could He?”
Well, I didn’t like that she pulled God into it! But I liked how you wrote this. The whole conversation felt genuine but this part in particular rings true to Alison’s feelings.
That’s a good point, about the God line. I think in the context it will be clear that this is part of the struggle–at least I hope so–but definitely worth paying attention to. Thanks!
the sympathy like arid rain is just wow, a gorgeous line. Very evoking. I also enjoyed the song weaved in in just the right places. I know nothing more of this story, but I find myself hoping (for once!) that they just might hook up. That’s how good this is.
Terrific. I like the threading in of Bing’s White Christmas.
I think you portrayed their hands really well. After all, not much else is visible when you’re across a table.
This was particularly good: ‘She threaded her fingers together and squeezed tight.’
Can definitely see where they’ve come from, what they’re going through, and where this is all headed. Plus it’s pleasant to read. Nice work! 🙂
There were so many things to like about this conversation and the actions of characters. Oddly, one of my favorite lines is where he punches the straw through it’s wrapper. It immediately makes me think of breaking through and that’s what I felt about this conversation. It was a break, a change, an opportunity, a question…
I noticed someone mentioned the use of God, I kind of disagree from my perspective. I think this is natural part of this conversation, not a religious statement. I liked it better for being in, than being taken out.
Could take on the prompt…and I always enjoy your writing:~)
What a nice thing to say!
I also enjoyed the way you threaded the lyrics from the song throughout. Well done!
Temptation… of course God would have to be mentioned! I think my fave lines are “Hearing it stated so baldly tore her insides open. She threaded her fingers together and squeezed tight.” We very rarely like to hear the truth in that way, that really resonated with me. Also her reaction with her hands was very believable.
Great job!
I think you did an excellent job with their movement/body language here as well as the dialogue. It’s clear that they’re not in the same place, though it seems like they might be soon 🙂
I absolutely love that last line- a kicker with promise for more!
You did a great job with describing their body language- I could picture the moment!
The blocking and descriptions were so good. I loved her hesitancy and the awkward moments. I’m with Steph,not knowing anything about them I want them to hook up!!!! This was so good!
Everyone has said what I liked and picked up. Your writing is measured and simple. I enjoy it. There are no wasted words or actions. I read this twice to get Allison guilt and David’s selfishness. It’s very real.
Liek the piece and liek this blog. Hoep you come back to mine. I’ll be back here.
I like that you got David as selfish! 🙂 Hadn’t picked up on that myself, but I often don’t in my characters. I think it’s because that’s my own overriding personal weakness.
I liked the thickness of the tension threaded through the conversation. What was said was almost as important as what was not said.
Well done!!
The music in the background, the busboy’s entry and exit, her silences and his fidgeting with the straw paper… The dining room they’re in comes alive. Great work. I’m going to say, old friends with a past or perceived romantic connection testing new waters.
Very good! 🙂
I really like all the nonverbals and the things you do with body language as well. That detail with the paper straw was perfection.