I’ve been out of balance lately, and it showed: short fuse with the kids, a constant sensation of barely keeping my head above water, a house so disorganized and messy that it grated on my nerves. I don’t like feeling this way, and every time I do, I question whether I’m actually doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.
I brought it up in Confession last week, and braced myself for his response. But the associate pastor went a totally different direction than I expected. We all think balance is static, he said. But that’s not how it works. Balance is always in motion. It has to be. Like when you cross a tightrope wire. Because you’re in motion, the balance is always shifting. That’s just the way it is. It’s not like you’re ever going to reach a sweet spot where the balance stays still.
It was a very freeing thought, one that relieves the guilt, though not the urgency to act. And so last week, I spiraled downward in writing productivity and upward in the direction of family and home. I let myself be distracted from my work and lengthened the list of housekeeping tasks until Friday the only writing I did was finish a blog post. For Easter weekend, I was mother, wife and homemaker.
At the end of it, I am exhausted, but feeling less crazed. A new balance, and an appropriate one for the occasion. But last night as we prepared for bed, I began the mental preparation for the week and realized that I can’t remain in this place. I have four deadlines by the beginning of May…and wedding season is beginning, with five on the books before Memorial Day. Clearly I have to make room for my other obligations.
I would like to make this blog post deeply meaningful and poignant, but the fact is I must shift my efforts elsewhere right now. And that, too, is okay.
Kathleen M. Basi 
I think that’s a great take on balance for mothers to grasp. Because being a mom is constant movement one way or the other. Balancing our work responsibilities with our family responsibilities takes constant juggling. And it’s hard not to feel guilty when motherly responsibilities take a back seat for a time in order to maintain all the other responsibilities. We really are juggling an awful lot simultaneously.
Personally, I have always explained to my children that the work responsibilities I fulfill provide the opportunity for me to fulfill my home responsibilities on some level. When my little ones whine and ask why must I go to work today? I simply answer that going to work is how I get money to maintain our home and put food on the table. When my (now) older girls express their desire for more time with me, I explain why I need to be away, but then we agree on a time when we will spend some one-on-one time together in the short-term.
I often feel out of balance, but it’s never moreso that way, than when I have a child who is in the first year of life on earth. There is just something about getting through that time that requires a constant state of unsettlement. And you have had much more to worry about in that respect than I ever have with your newborn.
This really resonated with me (ummm, long comment much?) so I am happy you wrote it.
So much of it is cultural, too. When have mothers EVER simply devoted themselves full-time to their children? In those vaunted ages past, women worked on gardening and canning or sewing, and rich women did their society stuff while hiring nurses and nannies. Why do we place such a burden on ourselves now?
Agreed! That’s why I kind of bristle when people mention that it’s a fairly new development that women worked outside the home while raising children. It’s simply not true. Maybe they didn’t have “high-powered” careers…but women have long had this dilemma. I don’t know if you read my post on my acceptance of my role as a WOTHM when I went back to work this last time…but I must say getting to the point of acceptance, while it was a long hard road…has made my life much more enjoyable.
I remember my grandmother talking about living at her mother-in-law’s house where different generations of women in the same home helped raise the children….sowed the clothes with one another….canned the fruits and veggies….cleaned the home…plucked the chickens …all while the men worked in the coal mines and shoe factories and fought the wars. The woman’s supportive community was under one roof or just next door.
I think about this often–how much easier it would be if we had that support system now!
When I saw “Balance Is”, my first thought was “fleeting”. I will feel like I’m in a good spot, but unless I continue on every day or every other day with the house work and my job, I get lost and then frustrated. I’ve learned this year how freeing it is to focus for 15 min./day on cleaning (plus a clean sink every night and one load of laundry/day). If I can get that done, I feel no guilt, but if I skip it one day, it seems like a chain reaction. The truth is that my kids, husband, and I are all much happier and relaxed when the house is clean. Speaking of which, I better make 5 more calls for work and take a load to St. Vincent DePaul before I get the kids!!
Good luck finding your balance!!
Thank you! I needed to read this!
This was good for me to read today. I am struggling with balance, as well, wondering what to keep in my life and what to give up so that I’m less stressed. I’m glad you were able to find a little more balance over Easter!
Yes, yes! This rings so true for me too–a mother of 3-year-old, another one on the way and in the thick of PhD comprehensive exams. I’m coming to terms with the fact (well, I’m trying to) that I won’t ever “figure it out” if by that I mean devise a plan to meet everyone’s needs and meet all my deadlines while keeping the house sparkling. Instead it’s a matter of doing what needs doing now and getting comfortable with less-than-perfect.