Boys Will Be Boys

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Not this innocent face. No. He would never throw spitwads at church…

The wadded up piece of paper shot across the music area right in front of me while we were kneeling for the Eucharistic Prayer. A minute later, Alex started snorting. I looked at him with a scowl developing, and he whispered, “Was that Michael’s nametag?”

And I realized: yes. Why, yes, it was. My kid made a spitwad of his “nametag Sunday” sticker and flung it across the music area.

Every time I think I’m done being caught off guard by the antics my kids are capable of…boom. There they go.

An Unexpected Aldi Hack (i.e.: Friday Funnies)

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I stumbled across a wondrous thing yesterday: how to get through the grocery store in record time. I’m sure it’s going to be universally useful to every person who reads from the fount of world-changing information known as Kate’s Blog.

How To Get Through Aldi In Eighteen Minutes

Even the Dark Side needs motivation

That’s me in the center, on a mission. And three of my minions. The fourth one took the picture. (Real Photo credit: kennymatic, via Flickr.)

Step 1: Invite over two extra elementary school-aged boys.

Step 2: Promise them the XBox…AFTER you get done at Aldi.

Step 3: Prepare for anarchy. When they grab the list from your hand, just roll with it. When they shout, “What can I get next?” yell something. Anything. When the youngest cries because everyone else is faster than he is…ignore it.

Step 4: Let them run all over the store, collecting items. Don’t try to keep track of them. They’re like boomerangs. They always come back. The kids, that is. By all means, keep track of the list! That is, after all, the point of the visit.

Step 5: Let them find you a grocery lane. Because they can’t be any worse than you at picking the shortest line, right?

Step 6: When they go hide under the far checkout lane to do surveillance…just pretend they belong to someone else.

“Who ARE those poorly-behaved little boys?” Photo credit: ALDI security valiant aja, via Flickr.

Step 7: Let them all pack a grocery bag, and forget worrying about what goes in it. Except for the lettuce bags. Those are sacrosanct.

Step 8: Leave Aldi 18 minutes after arriving.

There, you see? I told you it was universally useful. You’re welcome.

Happy Memorial Day!

 

Photo Friday Funnies

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If you’re on Facebook, you already saw these, but it’s worth preserving in our family history this way, too. Two nights in a row, this week, we went upstairs to go to bed, checked on the kids, and discovered this:

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By morning, it looked more like this:

Morning Butts

Happy Friday!

Hulk Update

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Julianna, standing in the jewelry store while they’re cleaning Daddy’s ring: “I need a strong man to hold me.”

Of all the random things Julianna has said in her life, that one takes the cake. It was so random, I looked around the store for a sign to that effect. (Because that’s what she does. She goes around reading signs.)

Nutt’n. It was all her.

Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, there’s this…

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…and this…

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A strong man, indeed…

(In case you’re new to “Hulk updates,” most of which have been on Facebook, here’s the gist of it.)

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Mr. Strong-y Smash Man and Other Adorable Michael Moments

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The youngest child is always the funniest one. It’s a rule. While I was gone for Liturgical Composers Forum, the two women who had morning duty both sent me messages to tell me things about my youngest child.

Exhibit A: 

singers

Uh-huh. Star Wars. Avengers. Hark the Herald Angels. Oddwalk’s Gorilla song. Frosty. Rudolph. Songs of his own making. And every one of them sung

AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

(Why yes, in fact, I am shouting. Actually, that’s not true, because currently I have no voice at all and my head feels woozy like I have a fever. I’m shouting internally.)

Exhibit B:

(An email received mid-week):

I know you keep track of funny things the kids say so I thought I’d share one I got from Michael this morning. 🙂  He was a little impatient about how long it took us to get back to my house (10 minutes) and asked a few times how many miles we had left.  A mile out from the house we came up behind a school bus that was driving pretty slowly.  He asked again how much farther.  I told him we were less than a mile from the house but we were going to have to go as slow as the school bus in front of us.  He suggested passing it but I pointed out that it wasn’t really a safe place to pass and we were only a mile out so we would just be patient.  He told me that sometimes school buses were driven by girls and he was pretty sure this one was being driven by a girl.  Presumably because they were going slowly. 🙂

Oh, Michael, Michael. Where, oh where did I go wrong?

Michael’s life philosophy seems to be threefold:

  1. Why walk when you can run?
  2. Why run when you can jump?
  3. Why hug when you can tackle?

Hence, I generally open my arms and not only brace, but wince in advance. I’m telling you, this child is going to grow up to be a stunt man in Hollywood.

To round out this week’s portrait of a preschooler who reeeeeeeaaaaallly needs to be in kindergarten, I give you: Michael’s brand new collection of superhero characters:

First there is Mr. Strong-y Smash Man (hard G. Very important.):

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This is the best picture I can give you, because by the time he finished drawing all of Mr. Strong-y Smash Man’s elevators (he seems to be mostly comprised of elevators, as best I could tell), you could no longer see anything but scribbles.

Then there was Mr. Magic, who he never drew.

Mr. Magic’s friends, however, I can share with you. The explanatory writing is faithfully transcribed from Michael’s own words:

strongy-smash-mans-friends

There are times when I simply can’t help grabbing up this child and trying to chew him to pieces.

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Kate’s Universal Laws Of Parenting

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Boys Pinnacles

Give them rocks to climb and they won’t fight. Oh wait. They had that fight over the walking stick, didn’t they? Never mind…

  1. Ear infections always and only come up after the doctor’s office has closed for the night.
  2. Or during a 20-inch snow storm.
  3. The child who gets chronic ear infections is inevitably the one who’s also allergic to penicillin.
  4. Paperwork is evil.
  5. Where children, there noise.
  6. If no noise, beware.
  7. Just because they don’t react doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you.
  8. Paperwork is evil.
  9. Boys are just different.
  10. 1 boy= destruction. 2 boys = mayhem. 3 boys = total annihilation.
  11. Did I mention paperwork is evil?

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Rudolph the Cyclops Reindeer (FF4)

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Alex, upon getting into the car at school pickup, holds up this little “found thing”…

rudolph-cyclops…and sings, in a low, monotone gravelly voice:

“Rudolph the Cyclops reindeer had a very evil eye

And if you ever saw it, you would probably-y DIE.”

Two days later, Nicholas and Michael are playing Star Wars: Battlefront:

Nicholas: “Yeah! I’m doing great. You’re just sad. Sad, sad, sad. You only have four points.That’s just sad.”

Michael: “And I’m still happy.”fridayfunnies