The moment Patrick opened the door, heat punched him in the chest, so heavy with moisture he had to lean on the car to withstand it. A few yards away, grapevines shimmered in the bright sunlight as they marched like stiff toy soldiers toward blue-shrouded heights.
“Germans,” he muttered, shaking his head.
Well, those rows were the reason he was here. He struggled forward through liquid air and fingered a leaf edged with brown, tested the weight of a clump of grapes. Very different from those he knew from home, the ones whose contours and colors he knew better than his own face.
And this was supposed to be his big chance?
Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window, his mother’s voice whispered.
Yeah, right. If God was anywhere in his life, he sure was hiding pretty well.
He retreated to the shade of a line of trees grown wild and unkempt along the property line. The smell of half-dry leaves rose to meet him as he sat and rested against rough bark. Behind his eyelids floated a vision of green eyes that saw right to the core of his being. Don’t lose faith now, they seemed to say.
Fine. Patrick turned his hands upward. “If you’re there, prove it,” he said defiantly.
For a moment, all was still. Then a breeze whispered, rose, passing from one treetop to the next. A rain of gold fell all around him, and a single yellow leaf came to rest on his palm.
18 Responses
I love how his proof was a leaf. So simple, yet it speaks volumes.
The paragraph that starts with “He retreated” was very good. I liked the description I also enjoyed that you involved smell. Too many people leave it out when setting a scene. Also I thought the last line was icing on the cake. Nice work!
The piece conveys emotion without being overwhelming. “Stiff toy soldiers toward blue-shrouded heights.” Just cool.
“Germans” Is it wrong I giggled?
You paint a vivid image here. Very, very well done!
Oh, I’m glad you giggled! I was trying to figure out some way to make that more of a cultural statement, but I couldn’t get it to work.
(I’m allowed to poke fun at Germans b/c I am one. 😉 )
I love this. The description is rich and vivid, and the story moves along through it like that breeze at the end.
Thank you!
Love all the natural elements. Relaxing, breezy, yet I want to read more…
Your descriptions are great here; I like the rain of golden leaves. I also like that though he is obviously familiar with the wine making business, this is a new experience for him because of the different location.
I loved the ‘Germans’ reference, too! And you do such a good job here bringing faith to the forefront without beating the reader over the head with it. It feels ‘real’, and as we all know, that’s crucial.
And you know this character, Amy. 🙂 Appreciate the thoughts on the faith aspect.
Very lovely. The line “A few yards away, grapevines shimmered in the bright sunlight as they marched like stiff toy soldiers toward blue-shrouded heights.” confused me a little. That last paragraph was beautiful too.
I worked on that sentence a long time but I never did really feel like I quite captured the idea I was trying to convey…thanks.
Geez, you are a ridiculously good writer! Both this story and the other fiction story were filled with great imagery and feeling.
Aw, thanks!
This was fantastic. I liked the line about the vines. Maybe because I live in wine country and see them marching in straight rows. The “Germans” comment threw me, but I’m not familiar with this story. But I did love the descriptions.
I was trying to poke fun at the regimented nature of German culture. I may be chasing an impossible image, though, b/c every vineyard I’ve ever seen has straight rows, no matter where it is…ah well, it’s an imperfect art, this writing thing. 🙂
I love this piece. The detail you put into it is exquisite. I am impressed at how much you fit into such a short word count. Excellent!!!