It’s odd, how sitting by a crib side can evoke such different reactions. For the last two days, I’ve wanted nothing more than to run away from the heater crib and the plexiglass hood covering my newborn’s head. It’s harder to see him rooting, his eyes and body language alike pleading for what I’m not allowed to give. To be deprived of the best comfort I as his mother have to offer–namely nursing–it sucks the soul dry, drains it right down to the point where I curl up in a ball of misery in my hospital room and weep: I can’t do this any more.
And then I stop by tonight at 8:10p.m., one last visit before bed to drop offf milk and say good night, praying that night brings an improvement the day has not…and he greets me with blinking charcoal-gray eyes and delicious, slow quiet alert time. For forty-five minutes I sit by his side, mesmerized by stroking his arm, kissing his tiny fingers, singing and talking to him, making faces…glorying in some small part of the interaction that’s been denied us the first four days of his life…and in that moment, my soul is fed again.
Tomorrow morning, when I have to face setbacks again, it won’t hurt any less. But at least I’ll have a little barrier of security, of Heavenly peace, to use as shield.
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October 27, 2025
18 Responses
Beautiful. I hope that you can be fully reunited soon.
Thinking about you and praying that you get to hold your sweet baby in your arms very, very soon!
You both look beautiful. Hope you are both home very soon. God bless!
As a NICU mom, I can tell you that this too (the soul-sucking part) shall pass.
Crying for you both now
My heart is with you even if I cannot be physically there! Prayers for you and sweet Michael and Christian, Alex, Julianna and Nicholas. For whatever reason this is part of God’s plan for now, not that it makes it easier, but someday we will all look back and realize it.
Prayers for you all!
I guess that’s how we live life, in chunks of minutes that are loosely connected by a clock, yet what happens in those chunks make up our existence. Hold on tight!
I hope you get another such 45 minutes this morning!
Oh I so understand… Hang in there, soon it will be a distant memory.
After reading this post, words cannot expess my feelings for you. May God bless you and surround you with angels.
Thank you, Dottie.
So beautiful. My tears are falling for you both. Prayers that you get to snuggle and nurse soon.
I am a NICU mommy too. It is draining emotionally, physically, and spiritually, but every day gets you closer to bringing them home. Thinking of you today.
Hi Kathleen,
Praying for you and baby. Heavenly peace for you; strength for baby. All my love and prayers to your entire family. ~ Lisa
Thank you, Lisa.I’m able to nurse now, so it feels much less stressful than before!
I’m so glad you are able to nurse now! Doesn’t that – even if just for a moment – make everything better somehow?
Oh Kathleen, the wonderful thing about souls is that God is at the center, and as your soul was fed by those delicious moments, I’m sure that nuture passed right through the Heart of God to feed the soul of your precious babe. God never deprives us in suffering.
love