I loathe conflict. Whenever I exchange heated words (emails, blog comments) with someone, it consumes my mind. No matter what else is going on, the back burner simmers, and sometimes boils over, with all the things I a) should have, b) will have to say in the next round. In the face of others’ absolute certainty, I question mine: if they’re so sure they’re right, they surely must know something I don’t. I go looking for ways to undercut my own perspective, in an attempt to avoid arrogance. Anxiety hangs like a barbell around my neck, pressing in on my heart.
I hate it. I hate how long it takes me to let go. I hate how it prevents me from enjoying life. I hate how no matter how hard I try (and believe me, I’ve tried!), no amount of mental exercise or prayer or release seems to have any effect on it. Conflict used to keep me awake at night, but I’m so tired all the time now, that’s less of a problem.
But I realized something. Even in these moments of writhing discomfort, I must be grateful. Because pride is perhaps my biggest vice, and these moments of humility—raging, self-enforced against my will humility—knock the legs out from under pride.
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t last long. But while it does, humility shakes up the certainty that would allow pride to become insufferable self-righteousness. And for this, I must be grateful.
Other gratitudes for the week:
A trip to the symphony
A 10-hour date with my husband
Safe travel to St. Louis
A pianist with fingers that danced over the keys like water over Baker’s Falls in the woods at home
Also Sprach Zarathustra
Candidate Teaching Couples, enthusiastic about helping us spread the good news of NFP
Things to look forward to
Our first toddler tantrum…on a Sunday morning…I mean, the first ever tantrum in this household–because it reminds me how blessed we’ve been for the first six years of parenthood, not to have them!
8 Responses
I am so with you on this! I can’t say that I’ve had any “heated” arguments on line (because I TRULY avoid conflict!), but if I feel someone is upset up me…, well, I’m a basket case for sure!
Molly 🙂
I’m not big on conflict either. I often wonder at those people who live on it…thrive on it (or at least they seem to).
We have tantrums pretty sparingly at our house. and when I describe what I consider at tantrum to some moms…they kind of roll their eyes as if to say, “You think THAT was a tantrum?” LOL But, my experience is my experience. Glad you are feeling blessed about yours!
I too loathe conflict, but you bring up a great point.
And that symphony hall is gorgeous!
Gratefulness is good. But for the part of your post that I identify all to much with I am only thankful that it reminds me to not let online relationships seep too much into real life. Of course the only solution I’ve found for that is to basically stop blogging, but we’ll just ignore that. 😉
Three cheers for Candidate Teaching Couples!
I read your post yesterday and thought how we were on the same wavelength, as I was already planning this one. I almost started out with a reference to yours. I think God just keeps us in check, whether we want to be or not!
I was so with you on the “I hate conflict” thing, and then I got to the part about the 10-hr date w/ your husband and the 1st ever toddler tantrum and I became bewildered and confused. 😉 Good for you for counting your blessings. I could use a little dose of gratitude myself, so thanks for the reminder!
Great post. I too am uncomfortable with conflict and try to avoid it. But sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes it is important to speak out. still… uncomfortable!! God bless!
Sometimes when I read your blog posts I feel like I’m looking in the mirror – and this is one of those times. I react almost exactly the same way to conflict. Good for you for seeing the good behind it and being able to see the things to be grateful for. 🙂