Stir Up Your Power

Advent. It’s a time of new beginning, a time of expectation of great things. I want to be renewed, God, but I’m so worn down right now, I’m having trouble being thankful, despite all my efforts to adjust my attitude to match the holiday we just celebrated.

At times like these, I am so painfully aware of my own weakness, my own brokenness. Yes, I enjoyed Christmas shopping with Christian yesterday…but I’ve spent so much of the last few days not feeling good. Why, oh why won’t my body go on and adjust to this stupid metformin? It’s worse when I don’t sleep—so much worse. And what is going on with Nicholas? How can a child go from sleeping peacefully from 7:45p.m. to 6:30 a.m. to waking up six times a night? How can a child suddenly decide that he isn’t going to sleep at all, day or night, for longer than an hour at a time? Doesn’t it stand to reason that at some point, he’s just got to crash? Why, oh why isn’t he reaching that point?

I’m tired, God, and whenever I’m tired, the metformin reaction is so much worse. And we’re at the end of Christian’s vacation now, and I feel more worn down than when we started. This should have been a week to relax and renew. Instead I feel more than ever like I’m scrabbling at the edge of the cliff. I haven’t even tried to write this week…I’ve barely kept up on my blog. On this side of Thanksgiving, all those January deadlines seem a whole lot closer. How can I be stretched so thin when I’ve accomplished so little?

Well, I know the answer to that one. Family visits are enjoyable, but they are also frequently stressful. There’s the disruption to the routine, and the staying up late, the lack of down time, the extra noise, the kids’ excitement and subsequent refusal to sleep…though that still doesn’t explain Nicholas’s lingering agitation.

And why isn’t he feeling better, anyway? It’s been three weeks since Nicholas has acted like himself. Is it that rash? Is the rash indicative of something else? Something more than penicillin reaction or food reaction?

I keep thinking that by the time my third child is 8 months old, I ought to have some idea how to problem solve these things. But the reality is that things just keep getting more complicated. With the first two, I could stick them in their rooms and teach them to put themselves back to sleep in the night by just closing the door and refusing to pick them up. But Nicholas is sharing a room with Julianna. I can’t just walk out and let him cry himself back to sleep. But I want to be done with night nursing, and the last two nights, he’s nursed and still been awake! If even nursing doesn’t put him back to sleep, where does that leave us?

And he is so clingy. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. He’s so crabby all the time! Angelic, smiley, as long as he’s being held, or if I’m sitting on the floor beside him…but my gosh, if I go to grab a pencil, he starts shrieking!

I want to feel better, God. And I know that at least part of it has to come from me…but I feel so powerless right now. So helpless. So angry and overwhelmed. And guilty for feeling so. After all, I chose to have my kids close together; I feel like I need to be a model of with-it-ness. A bad day is one thing, but a month?

Stir up your power, O Lord, and come to dwell in me. Please. In my darkness, I really need to feel the light of your presence, leading me toward the dawn.