In Search of The Meaning of Life

I came across this exchange of emails recorded in my Journal when I was looking back at them while writing my infertility story a few weeks ago. It’s interesting to see what was on our minds four months before we got married, two weeks before I graduated with my Master’s degree. Especially since I still wrestle with some of the same questions. It’s tempting to go in and edit some of the more self-important language, but I will resist.

 

Kate, April 29,1999

I’m feeling kind of like I don’t really know what my life is all about. Did you feel this way coming out of school at all, like you had a job but weren’t sure what the goal was? Like, all this time I have been heading toward a graduation—from MU, now from UNI—and then, there’s the rest of my life, and I don’t know exactly what the purpose of it is supposed to be. It makes me depressed. I sort of think, well, then, the wedding is the next goal, but then what, you know? What’s the PURPOSE of life? What is the meaning of life? I know what it’s supposed to be, God and eyes heavenward—and I know also that this is all related to the transition period. But it is still kind of overwhelming and depressing.

 Christian:

In answer to your question about whether or not I felt it when I was graduating, the answer is yes, and here’s the really weird thing, I was freaking out about the very same thing this morning. Like why do I need to worry about all this stuff, why can’t life be more directional? Is getting the house the right thing? Am I going to have the money? Is there a purpose to all this? And it was right around mid-morning [the time of the first email].

 

What I can see for yourself is what I see you doing: spreading your fantastic talent of music to everyone you meet, sharing that talent and knowledge with young learners, accepting and giving love to people around you through many of the things that we have talked about before—volunteering, music, just smiling. And then making life better for everyone you meet each day. We should have a little sign, maybe in our bedroom, that says something like “have I made another person’s life better today?” and ask ourselves every day. Even if it’s each other, if we can answer yes, then I think that we’ve had a good day.

 Kate:

I wondered why I’ve been through all this, school and stuff, and learning to do everything so blasted well—I’m a great writer, a great flute player, a great musician, at least a good teacher—why have I worked so hard to master everything? (no comments from the peanut gallery on my writing, you write journalistic and you’re great at it, I write more personal and I’m great at it.)

 

And then I realized that I am now a medium. I just now realized that it isn’t just for music, either. I have so very much knowledge, so very much capability, for so many things; it’s not hard for me to play, or teach, or write, or analyze. And so now, what do I do with it? All I have to do is say, OK, God, here’s a very well-trained soul and body. Start using it. Because it’s ready to go. How can I fail—as long as I am being a medium, and not trying to take control of the reins.