(Actually, writers, you go ahead and weigh in, too!)
I have a difficulty.
You know those moments that change everything? Those moments of perfect clarity? I had one of those a few years ago…a moment that forever changed the direction of my thinking, and in so doing, redefined my purpose in life.
But although I’ve written about the purpose, I’ve never written about the encounter.
Why not? Because this incident hinged on a contact with an individual who is still in my life, at least to some extent, and I’ve never spoken to this person to communicate the effect that encounter had on me.
Obviously it was not a good encounter.
But I think it’s time to talk about it. Because although the moment was difficult, its net result on my life was a positive one. And because I have an opportunity, via a writing contest. With a deadline tomorrow.
So I have a decision to make. My husband, who loathes conflict even more than I do, thinks it’s not a good idea to bring this to the light of day…that caution in the face of real live relationships is the most important thing. I think I should stop avoiding the topic and make the effort to get in touch with the person involved, so that I can talk about this authentically instead of burying it beneath a fear of hurting someone’s feelings.
I need advice.
Advise, please?
Kathleen M. Basi 
I would talk to him/her. You never know it may have had a positive effect on his/her life as well, and they may want to talk to you about it to but is afraid of the same thing. However, with that said, I almost would focus on what positives it has brought me and how it has made you feel. Keeping blame out of it. If you never talk about it then it just gets bigger and bigger:) PS I love the song you wrote that St. Puis was singing while I was there visiting:)
Do you have a relationship with this person? Is it healthy? If you do have somewhat of a relationship and it isn’t a healthy one, then what will it hurt to confront them about the issue? What would you lose? Conflict can be good and can be used to grow. You obviously still have some underlying feelings that should be addressed. I am for honesty and openness in relationships….not coddling feelings so as to keep a relationship intact because in reality, that relationship is based on a lie. I have confronted friends and lost friends and in the long run, they weren’t really my friend to begin with and truly had no impact on my life….actually my life has been better without them. Without the constant thought of an issue or how to handle them in “friend” situations.
Kathleen,
I think for your own sake you need to write the piece and clear it from your mind- However, and this is a big however, I don’t think you should publish it or enter it in any contest. There is the matter of weight here- you must weigh your need for clarity and “getting something off your mind, heart or chest” with your relationship with the person or persons involved and any persons who might accidently get caught in the fallout from whatever you write. I would write the piece and get it out on paper (or electronic impulses) and then stick it in drawer- either literally or figuratively for six months or a year to see how it weathers the test of time. After that time you might re-weigh the balance to see if it is publishable without harming someone.
Thanks for the comments so far, everyone. Some of the questions you ask can’t really be answered without getting too specific. Katherine, your point is well taken. I’ve been wondering who else would benefit from the publication of this story…because if the answer is “no one, really,” then maybe it isn’t appropriate.
Oh man, I was hoping this would be an easy question – it isn’t! I agree that a good approach would be to go ahead and write it and then sit on it for a while. I know that I’m really able to work things out when I write, so I do think that’s an important thing to do. But as for publishing it? That’s where I’d be uneasy. Keep praying about it 🙂
(And I don’t see any ads.)
Kate, It just brings to mind the readings from Sunday, 2 weeks ago. (http://new.usccb.org/bible/readings/090411.cfm) Jesus gave the answer, though it’s always easier to read it in scripture than actually be in that situation. It was also a homily weekend (ref – http://colorme4life.wordpress.com/the-lords-page/homilies/2011-09-04-23rd-a-lifes-answers/). There, the comparison between John the Baptist’s and Nathan’s means of reconciliation may be enlightening. Publishing may be more of the way of John the Baptist. I like Katherine’s response of caution. But definitely something it sounds like, for your sake, and probably the other party’s, would be good to clear up!! Will pray for your discernment and right judgment!! God bless!
Ew, I wasn’t thinking about those readings. That puts a different spin on it, doesn’t it?
I think if it was me, I’d want to know how I hurt you or helped you or both.
In recovery language, I think the idea of making amends is pertinent to your problem. When people are in recovery, they explore their resentments as one of the sources where they should look to make amends in their lives. They make direct amends to people, except when doing so would cause more harm than good for those to whom they need to make an amend. The guide for doing these things is whether or not it benefits the other, not the self. I take that as a good guide for whenever I know that I’ve harmed someone. It sounds like there’s something unsettled. Do you want to get it settled for your benefit or for the other person’s benefit who was involved?
Also, the other person may not know the impact the incident had on you. The person may be blissfully unaware that it was so powerful to you. I mean, to change the purpose of your life, that’s pretty powerful. And the person may not even know that it happened.
Lastly, to take it out of the category of confrontation all together, I’m not sure, since the overall effect on your life was positive, why the telling of the story as it happened from your perspective necessarily needs to be confrontational. You’re telling a story about a life changing event in your life as you experienced it. It seems to me that would be hard to argue about. You may write your story, and send it to the person involved in this incident to get his/her feedback before publishing it.
Of course, now you’ve put out such a big teaser to everyone, we’re all dying to know.
Hee hee! If it doesn’t go out publicly via essay, it’s definitely not going out publicly via blog.
I’ve been wrestling with that same “who will this benefit?” question, and wondering if it’s really more about me. I think for the moment I have to forego the essay submission and decide it it’s actually ever going to help anyone else to know about.
I’m sort of a writer–as you know I write a blog, and my general rule of thumb is that if I wouldn’t want someone to know it about me, I don’t write it about others. In other words, I wouldn’t have wanted my mom telling the world about my teen foibles, so I don’t write about the foibles of my teens. I wouldn’t want my husband telling people about how I did him wrong, so when I feel wronged by him, I don’t blog about it. I don’t tell the world about my nasty neighbor, at least in any recognizable form, because I’m sure there are things about me my neighbors don’t like and I don’t want to read about them on the internet.
Obviously I don’t know what your issue is with this person but it does sound like something you might need to address, but telling the world about it isn’t likely to help (even if “the world” is a few people who read an obscure publication).
Kate, pray and go with that answer, His answer. Since so much depends on the circumstances, the person, the issues it may be complex and only able to be ferreted out by Him and/or a very wise, God fearing person who knows the whole story. Avoidance never seems prudent, but grace and mercy for the sake of another is something else altogether.
Telling stories of transformation out of difficulty/pain are often worth telling, reading, for they give hope and often point to faith in action. A way to tell the story is to fictionalize it–have you read Bird by Bird?Anne Lamott has some great advice on how to fictionalize a non-fiction story.
Your hubby sounds like a 9 on the Enneagram…
God speed, with a prayer for discernment,
Jodi