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Photo credit: Sudamshu, via Flickr)
The post caught me off guard, late on a weekday afternoon when I absently clicked through from Twitter. It was an uncomfortable subject, one that got more uncomfortable, not less, when she left the question of sexual orientation and mentioned weight.
“This got me thinking about how often we shut down communication through judgement.
Harming and attacking people without even knowing what we are doing.
We’re pretty weight- and health-conscious in our house. We’re certainly no shining example of health-nutrition virtue, but we do pretty well, and we don’t pull our punches in the way we talk. Juice is a treat, because Vitamin C or no, it’s liquid sugar. Dessert is a reward for eating the healthy foods. Bread is rationed depending on how well meat and vegetables have been eaten. We don’t force the issue with potatoes because let’s face it, they’re pretty much wasted calories & carbs.
We talk about obesity, we talk about weight and self-control. These are far-reaching lessons we’re trying to teach; after all, self-control has implications not only for physical health, but for relational, sexual and financial health, too. It’s one of those areas where your values get passed on by how you talk about things as well as what you do.
But in the wake of this post, I wondered: What do our kids actually hear?
Alex already makes connections between food and health, connections unusual for a six-year-old (at least, I think they are). Connections that are a little extreme, and require us to moderate. Is he learning a healthy lesson, or are we taking our fears and neuroses and passing them on to him in concentrated form?
There are other lessons, too. When you have a strong vision for right and wrong, you have to pass it on to children. But it’s so easy for us to slip from holding to a moral tenet to condemning everyone who doesn’t share it. And doing it in the name of faith, no less. Children take everything they hear and process it through their limited experience; without the exposure to the many shades of gray, it’s even easier for them to judge than it is for us.
The real conundrum here is that these are important lessons to teach. But how we teach them, and how they are received, how children internalize and then live them out…the sheer number of variables makes me realize that it’s a much finer line to walk than I ever realized.
“If you have a strong opinion on something, reconsider if and how you say anything.
But I do know who’s listening. And that raises the stakes even higher.
Kathleen M. Basi 
That post really got me thinking, too…but along different lines. We talk about healthy choices at our house and we aren’t free and easy with the sugar and snacks. I am VERY sensitive to what is said regarding food in our house due to the way food and attitudes about it were used to abuse me growing up.
My third daughter is what you might call a good, strong stocky girl. She has a VERY different body type from her lean older sisters. We have just begun with these sorts of issues (post here: http://michelle-endlessstrength.blogspot.com/2011/09/really-shes-five.html). Helen is built almost exactly the way I was as a child…my shoulders were broader, though, so I really took on a “husky” or “big-boned” look and it drove my mother nuts that I wasn’t skinny/tiny like her. My mother grew up as the only “normal” sized person in an obese family so she had issues with seeing her children be overweight.
Anyway, this is such a hard thing to navigate these days. Especially with the focus on obesity as our nation’s childhood epidemic (I don’t disagree that we suffer here as a nation).
Thanks for revisiting this topic. I hope we can all navigate these waters with love and care for all concerned.
I remember you talking about this before, and wincing on your behalf. My kids are in no danger of being stocky, chubby or anything else…but habits are learned early, and we try to be as proactive as we can.
I also struggle with this issue and children…I want my kids to be healthy and active, but I also don’t want them to suffer from an unhealthy body image. So how do you marry those two concerns and teach healthy choices without creating a monster you weren’t intending on (especially in girls)? No idea.
I’m 5’1ish and a size 16/18 depending on the clothes. I lost the ability to lose weight 6 years ago when my gallbladder was removed. Almost nothing I had before my pregnancy with Daniel fits and given that it’s in the mid to high 90’s here, it’s kind of hard to go for walks with him. (Heat and I are not good friends and there’s no mall nearby to go walk around.)
Both of my parents have lost significant weight in the last couple years and my dad has made some unintentionally hurtful comments about me losing weight. It’s like “if I could actually drop the weight, don’t you think I would?” Not to mention, I leave my dad in the dust when we go for walks.
Food is a weird issue in our house because Jon is vegetarian, I’m not, and Daniel has texture issues. I’ve been wanting to cook more from scratch and all that but between Daniel and the fibromyalgia, I have no energy. Did I also mention that Daniel is underweight and on special formula to bulk up?
Yeah… food is kind of an issue in our house.
My youngest of 5 turns 20 next month. I’d say they heard what they wanted to, and learned little from what their parents said; but very much from what we did.
🙂 Parenthood well summed up, I’d venture to guess. I wish my parents would weigh in on this one, but I’m guessing it might be too hot a topic. LOL
And always keep in mind that little children are like parrots: they WILL repeat what they hear. They know nothing about being discreet, lack the knowledge and reasoning skills to properly interpret and judge what they’re hearing, and normally believe whatever their parents say. That’s certainly how I was as a child, and all the children I’ve observed are no different. So parents, please be careful what you say around your kids–it may come back to haunt you.
You’re right about how weight-/body-conscious our society has become. I suspect that usually girls are more susceptible t body-image issues than boys, but both sexes are still bombarded with society’s artificial standards of beauty. You raise good points in your post.
Evan
Hi Kathleen. I responded to your comments at my blog regarding the book you’re writing. I didn’t see an email here to get to you directly but wanted to encourage you to stick to your guns. You might find canons 1122-23 of the 1983 code of canon law regarding marriage and divorce will give you ideas, and #29 of Pope JPII’s encyclical on suffering, Salvifici Dolores might also give you ideas. For myself, I can’t do fiction writing and admire those who can. I believe you can bring what is to the world a “fresh” viewpoint, a Catholic one, without being preachy. If I can help you I’ll be glad to.