This is an excerpt from the novel I’ve been querying…slightly condensed to fit the word count. Dean is falling in love with Beth and her young son Toby, and for their first “date,” they’ve gone to an apple orchard. As always, concrit is most welcome.
She looked so cute in her baggy t-shirt, with crinkled leaves sticking out of her hair from dragging through the branches. She was just crying out to be kissed.
Her head jerked to the left. “Toby! Get back here!”
“I got him.” Smiling, Dean took off after the runaway. He scooped Toby up and hung him by his ankles. Toby giggled, and Dean risked a glance at Beth. She was laughing. “You ready to get down, kiddo?”
Dean swung him down, keeping hold of his elbows till he was sure Toby had his balance. Just as he let go, a cold drop of water hit his arm. He looked up and got another one in the eye. “Uh, Beth”
It started to rain steadily then, as if some celestial shower head had been turned on. Toby froze, then touched his neck wearing a puzzled expression.
“Come on!” Dean said, trying to shield his face. “We can send them out for the baskets.”
“Just a few more,” Beth pleaded, reaching up with a long handled basket picker. She stood under the shelter of the tree, but even so, it only took about thirty seconds for her shirt to be soaked through.
“Okay!” she said, setting down one last basket beside the others. “Let’s go!” She heaved Toby up on her hip, and they took off running down the wet pathway, laughing, feet slapping noisily as mud splattered their jeans.
But they were still well away from the barn when Beth stopped, gasping for breath, and said, “I can’t run anymore. He’s too heavy.” She set Toby down.
“I’ll take him.”
She shook her head. “What’s the difference? It’s not like we’re gonna get any wetter.”
“Whee!” Toby stamped in a mud puddle and screamed with laughter.
Dean grinned. “I see your point. Come on, buddy,” he said. “Take my hand.” Toby obeyed, and they started off at a leisurely stroll through the gray downpour.
A big black Lab stood at the edge of the fenced yard, barking. Toby let go of his hand and took off running. His voice floated back to them, fractured at every footfall like a long, gleeful line of Morse Code. Dean looked at Beth, who met his gaze without any trace of the apprehension he’d seen earlier. It was as if the rain had washed away the barriers and created an intimacy that hadn’t been there before. He held out his hand. Smiling, she took it.
Nice rain scene. Seems the rain washed away some tension here.
You can find my rain story here: http://proartz.blogspot.com/2012/11/rain-dance-short-fiction.html
Aww. That’s really lovely!
Nice writing style-very nice
A sweet story, you write with real feeling.
Really, really good. I love the flow. It was very natural.
I appreciated the original imagery here: “His voice floated back to them, fractured at every footfall like a long, gleeful line of Morse Code.” My favorite moment.
Stopping by from Write on Edge.
I worked a long time on that image, so thank you! I knew what I wanted to evoke but pulling the words together took a lot of revision.
I’ll echo in ditto here. A nice, sweet scene.
So nice! I liked that your *rain scene* didn’t depict sadness…as so often happens! It was really refreshing to read! 🙂
Yes, compared to many of the prompts it is quite different. 🙂
I like the idea of the rain washing away a barrier between the two of them. Moments like that, an unexpected rain storm, tend to move relationships one way or another — either closer together or farther apart.
Love the way you painted a picture for the reader, nice job.
What a sweet scene!