I should re-label this blog the “attitude is everything” blog.
As a rule, I like to stay positive in writing, but I will admit it’s been tough going lately. One of our choir members came over to me last week at rehearsal and said, “You’re kind of grumpy tonight.”
I’m sure I gave him quite a look. I defy anyone to stay cheery and bright-eyed while nursing twice at night, plus getting up two to three more times with the older kids—all between getting to bed at 10:30 or 11 and getting up at 5:30 or 6. While dealing with Alex’s four-year-old exuberance, defiance and general limit-testing. While staring at the tornadic state of the house. While trying to cook dinner, nurse the baby, rouse kids from nap, get snacks and teach lessons, all between 3 and 5:30p.m.
I’ve passed beyond the “fog and haze” stage, and now I’m just pushing through general exhaustion day every day. I was thinking yesterday that if I didn’t nap, didn’t write, didn’t email—if I just did housewife/mother stuff and lessons—I could work sunup to sundown and still not get everything done. Maybe that’s a sign that I’m overcommitted.
Suddenly I understand my mother’s lifelong inability to sit down and relax. How long’s it been since I practiced my flute regularly? Since I really did any therapy with Julianna? Since I played with Julianna, for crying out loud? What happened to taking family walks after dinner? When am I going to get Nicholas’s scrapbook done? What about the CCL training that desperately needs to be done? The plants sitting on the table, waiting for personnel and dry weather? Oh, and that tiny matter of a spousal relationship?
On Easter Sunday afternoon I had a complete meltdown, locked in my parents’ bedroom nursing while Christian leaned against the dresser and listened…and argued back. I suppose that in the grand scheme of things, one meltdown at 3 ½ weeks postpartum is nothing to gripe about. I’ve escaped postpartum depression, anyway. When Alex was born I dissolved into tears ten times a day for several weeks. With Julianna, the stress was so overwhelming that survival didn’t leave room for baby blues. This time, it’s just too darned busy. Who has time to navel-gaze that much?
(Which begs the question, what exactly am I doing right now? Things that make you go, hmmmmm….)
Well, anyway. I will continue to stumble through my days tired and grumpy, reminding myself that I knew the first six months were going to be the worst of it, and fixing my eyes on preschool in the fall. And trying not to whine.
Kathleen M. Basi 
I’m not going to pretend that I have a clue what you are going through. I do understand sleep deprivation because Sam was still nursing 2-3 times a night (moreso when teething) until he was 1. At that point I had to shut his door and my door and hide under the blankets so I could sleep through his fits. Just last night he was up at 12:30 and in bed with me awake/asleep all night. It does get better. Sweetie, you have to slow down and give yourself time to recover. It’s okay if something slips by the wayside. I spent the first 2 years of Emma’s life in a depression funk where I worried about other things…laundry, cooking, yard work, etc. and Emma and less and less about myself. It’s okay to just be mommy and nothing else. It will all work out :o) . And its okay if your a little grumpy. Maybe that choir member should have offerred some assistance.
🙂
Thanks, Shelley.
I have a nearly-naked 2-y-o playing peekaboo with me behind my chair right now. Maybe I should focus on that cute little face. hehehehehe