I’ve been singing a lot of Carey Landry’s songs to Julianna lately. God hasn’t yet invented the kid who doesn’t like “and if the Devil doesn’t like it, he can sit on a tack—ouch!” But I save that for the tasks she really hates (like having her hair brushed) because the anticipation of that verse keeps her happy until we get done. It’s a reward for getting through her “chores.”
The other song I sing to her is “Oh how I love Jesus.”
Julianna, do you love Jesus?
Oh yes, I love Jesus.
Do you really love Jesus?
Yes, I really love Jesus!
Tell us why you love Jesus.
This is why I love Jesus: because he first loved me.
Oh, how I love Jesus
Oh, how I love Jesus
Oh, how I love Jesus
Because he first loved me.
I was tagged in a meme last week, entitled “five reasons why I love Jesus.” And it brought something front and center that I haven’t really wanted to look at in the light of day.
I really don’t connect with Jesus.
I believe in God; I whisper to the Spirit or to the triune deity throughout the day; I know the importance of Christ’s sacrifice, and Holy Week is the center of the whole year (although this year, because we’re not involved in Triduum liturgies, I feel rather adrift and disconnected). But when people say “I love Jesus,” my insides tense up. It’s a knee-jerk reaction to fundamentalism, the way fundamentalists probably react when Catholics talk about the Eucharist. I know I’m supposed to love Jesus and connect with him as an individual, one like me; that was the purpose of God made man, after all. But I never have been able to do it.
This has never bothered me. Until recently.
Last week, when I was driving home from the writing conference, I listened to a CD of a religious talk my grandmother had sent with me. In the course of listening to these four women speak about their love for Jesus, for Mary, I recognized something lacking in myself. For the first time, I began to long to feel that connection.
I think my problem is that the Jesus of the Bible is underdeveloped as a character. He says a lot of things, and they reveal him to be both charismatic and somebody that you probably longed to smack, because he was so contrary and difficult. What you don’t know is what he felt, how his psyche changed over the course of the years. With a person, you can get some of that from body language. In a book, you have to get it from the writing. And it’s just not there.
I can only extrapolate about Jesus; I can only project myself on him. And that is a recipe for trouble, in my not-so-humble opinion. That’s where people start making God over in their own image, and thinking they’re called to be hateful at military funerals.
There are characters in literature—let’s take the obvious bloggers’ example: Elizabeth Bennet. Everybody identifies with her. Everybody feels like they’d recognize her if she entered the room. In other words, we know her. But how do you get to know somebody who picks fights with people, confuses his friends, refuses to answer their questions straight, and you never, ever, EVER see what he’s thinking?
What am I missing? I try to love Jesus in the people around me, by caring for the least of these in whatever way I can. Is that, really, all it boils down to? Or do others who talk about how they love Jesus have some spiritual direct line to Heaven that I’m missing? And if so, how do I hook into it?
Kathleen M. Basi 
I felt the same way as you and it bothered me too, so I started praying for God to teach me what it means to know Him and love Him. I can’t say I love Jesus as the image personified in pictures. I don’t think of Him as a person at all really, but as a presence. I sense His comfort. Words pop into my head I recognize as coming from Him. It is a long ongoing process, but I can honestly say I do love Jesus. I wish I was able to explain how it happened, but I can’t.
“as a presence”…this is how I feel about the Spirit.
Kate–I am so with you here. The indwelling Spirit of God has been my connection with the Divine pretty much all the way along, and when I do connect with the second person of the Trinity it’s more with the Christ, the Logos–not as much the person of Jesus. And mostly I’m okay with that–I have to figure that God’s part in the relationship is pretty important, and I believe that if Jesus wanted me to know him better in that way, Jesus would be stirring in my heart to help that happen…(And besides, when he said “no one comes to the Father except through me” I’m not sure he was talking strictly Roman Trinitarian theology 🙂
That said, it sounds like he might be stirring in you that way if you’re having these feelings. 🙂
One thing I’ve done, though I don’t do it often since it hurts so much: You’re a fiction writer–I figure you are comfortable sort of putting yourself into a scene and imagining the story from any given character’s point of view, and thus experiencing the emotions and actions and motivations of the character you’re sort of indwelling at that time, as well as being able to know the other characters through that one character’s lens? (I honestly have never talked to other writers about that, it’s something I’ve just assumed would have to be part of it all, you know?) That’s the way I’ve tried to connect to Jesus in the past, and it never worked really well…until I put myself into the scene as his mother, and looked at him that way.
It broke my heart. But who knows us as well as our mothers?
Anyway…FWIW.
Happy Pre-Holy Wednesday. 🙂
Thank you both for these thoughtful answers. (Spkg. of motherhood, I have a 2yo wiggling into position on my lap, causing no end of back-spacing as I correct typos caused by him shoving on my arms!) I will be thinking and pondering and praying over your words this weekend.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has trouble with this. I begin to think that perhaps the image that I knee-jerk against has become so identified with Christianity that we don’t recognize the validity of any other. What do you think?
Do you love anyone based on stories in the Bible? I know some people who love David or Paul, but this post made me realize that the Bible doesn’t have characters that I could love in the same way as a good novel.
It also made me realize that I don’t love Jesus in the way that you’re talking about. That is rather surprising because I hesitate to talk about my relationship with Jesus in order to avoid cliches. So I have absolutely nothing helpful to offer. I don’t think that I can even post about it because the parts that aren’t cliches are too important to me.
The cliche’s are what I try to avoid, too. I think that’s part of my knee-jerk.
You’ve done a perfect job of putting my feelings into words.
Here goes. I’m just the opposite. How do you pray to a God that you have no idea what He looks like or what He rally wants? A God who asks for blood sacrifices? Or was that just a story to get a point accross? Now take Jesus. I can talk to Him easily. I tell Him when I don’t like things. I question His motives. Now I’m going to blaspheme here, I don’t know who picked some of those stories to be put in the Bible, but people make mistakes. The one thing I hold onto is that Jesus knows my heart, and He loves me. God scares me.
I guess I think kind of “total package” God. I see the OT fire & brimstone as reflection of the culture and times, and it doesn’t bother me for that reason. But I like hearing this from you. It makes me feel better; if you have problems connecting with the Big Man, then maybe it’s not so terrible that I have trouble connecting with the Only Son.
I love the honesty of your writing, Kathleen. My view is similar to Dottie’s – except for the scripture part. For me, Jesus is easy to approach and talk to. Asking questions of Jesus, complaining to Him and talking to him is a regular part of my day.
It is true that Scripture doesn’t give the “whole picture” of who Jesus is and that’s were tradition can fill in the gap. We as Catholics believe in Scripture and Tradition. We also have mystics who have claimed visions of Jesus (many of whom have been approved by the Church). From these writings can get a better understanding of the “character” of Jesus.
Also, about Scripture – and this is where I disagree with Dottie: It is true people make mistakes, but God doesn’t. There’s not one word in Scripture that is or isn’t in there without God knowledge and will. God guided the Canon and although we may not understand why some of the stories in the Bible are there, God has them there for a reason.
Kathleen, it took me many years to think of Jesus as a real person who loves me. I find that reading St. Faustina’s diary, learning about life in the time of Jesus, and studying Sacred Scripture with commentaries by St. Thomas Aquinas and others has brought me closer to Him. Also, adoration is a huge help.
One of the books I really liked is very scholarly but worth it “The Nazarene” by Eugenio Zolli, the rabbi who converted to Catholicism because of Pope Pius XII. I am making time now to learn much more about His times.
St. Ignatius of Loyola has a method of meditating on scripture that really lets the light of the Holy Spirit work in us. And you might like the wonderful Carmelite meditation book, “Divine Intimacy” by Father Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, O.C.D.
For sure, if we spend time thinking about Him and asking Him to let us know Him better, He will absolutely answer our prayer. Also, everyone’s relationship with Jesus is quite personal and individual and can always be improved. The most important thing is our desire for Him.
Kathleen,you got me to wondering. I remember reading the prayer book I received with my First Holy Communion. It made me feel as you do. I think. The prayers were so lofty, I was left with my poor self and no words. I wasn’t ready for such elevated feelings. Over the years, I’ve grown into those thoughts and feelings and now they spring up and I recognize it as love. Even when I’m dry as a bone, longing seems to confirm the reality of love for Jesus. Loving people has made the difference for me, gratitude seems to make the heart swell and Jesus and Mary are wrapped up in that experience. My husband read some of my poems and asked,if I loved God so much, why did I need him to love. Honestly, if it weren’t for the love of my husband, given and received, the love of my children and parents, given and received, I probably would think God didn’t exist.
However, I think the Holy Spirit is the One who introduces us to Jesus. He stirs the heart and make everything beyond Real, not just this world real.
I forgot to say, Jesus is well loved by you in all the love you shower on those in your life. That’s what counts. Everyday you feed the hungry, clothe the naked and keep His house in order, if only by tending to the needs of the children he entrusted to you. Happy Easter. I will strive to love Jesus as much as you do.
Thank you for these thoughts. You lift me up.
I think it is perfectly normal to relate to different Persons of the Trinity differently at different times. There have been times when I thought of God as Creator. Having been abused by my father, I could not see God as a Father for many years.
I did not relate to the Holy Spirit until I started going to charismatic prayer group meetings years ago.
As for Jesus, I really didn’t relate in any close personal way until I met my spiritual director. That is when I began to understand the incarnation – that Jesus came to reveal God to us. My spiritual director revealed God to me by how he treated me and listened to me. He was like Jesus for me. And then I was able to look at Jesus differently and relate to Him more.
Maybe Jesus is calling you to a closer relationship with Him. God bless!
It’s great to read what you wrote! It makes me feel like I’m not the only one who doesn’t feel personally connected to Jesus. I want to, but I think you put it perfectly when you said we don’t know how he felt about things, etc. This helped me:)
I’m so glad.
Do you have any suggestions? I’m going to start reading the Diary of St. Faustina; the excerpts look intriguing and a much more personal without all of the flowery, old- fashioned, verbiage I usually see associated with religious reading. I’ve begun practicing my faith again after about 10 years drought and I’m trying to actually feel connected as opposed to before (and sort of, now) where I’m attending mass and talking to God often but feel like I’m outside the party looking in.
Thanks for replying:)
Hmm. This is an ongoing journey for me. I think your approach sounds reasonable. For myself, I have just made a conscious effort to pray to Jesus in his name instead of as “God” or “Spirit”. Trying to think of him more personally. Does that make sense?
I can relate. I became a believer years ago in college. I go to a popular bible church but don’t feel like I belong anymore. I really have made up my mind that I can just be a Christian without anybody else. I continue to go to church because I want my family to enjoy tbe church and all but I feel like nobody there cares about me. Nobody says hi to me or ever calls or emails to see how I am doing and yet this church broadcasts that their purpose is to help you with your walk, your life as Christian. Now let me say that we are all just people. I am a sinner just like everybody else. Yes, there are “normal” people there just like me but from my vantage point I don’t see the need to attend church anymore.
This isn’t about bashing my church but isn’t the church a large component to the Christian life?
Like you, I don’t feel connected with Jesus. I’ll follow up later, phone is dying now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I’ve spent a lot of time making an effort to connect with Jesus the last couple of years. I still feel closer to the Spirit, but I’m making progress. I do think community is important, though. It’s tough when you can’t find your place within it, though. I don’t know what the solution is–the phrase “church hopping” gets a bad rap, because it’s easier to jump ship than invest yourself–but sometimes there are toxic environments, too. You need a community to support you, but that might mean finding a community that, well, supports you.
I also have difficulty loving Jesus even though I hereby confess, I have made it a spiritual project.
Actually, I found it much easier to love him when I was
distanced from him. He’s very real to me with a ready
rebuke when I do something wrong.
Sometimes, he gives me a hug.
I want to love him. Pray for me.
You said ” you’d love to smack about Jesus? That is not loving Jesus.
He is not contrary and difficult.
as i sit here reading all of this… I totally can’t help but think we all know our Jesus but in different ways. he comes to some in a loud voice… some in such a whisper that we need to draw very close to hear him. I take comfort in knowing that he loves us… how do we know? because he first loved us. I also like the post that the holy spirit helps you connect to Jesus. I never thought of it like that. even though it was years ago that you started this post…. it found me. Thank you!