One of my blog friends has been doing a series of posts on her “practices of mothering” the last few months. Last week she invited her readers to join in. At first I thought, I don’t have any practices–at least, none that she hasn’t already talked about.
Then I came up with one. And another. And another. And the more I thought, the more I realized I do have them, they’re just more practical in nature, and less easily summed up in a pithy title. But they’re all aimed toward one ultimate goal: independence. I guess I’d have to call myself a middle of the road kind of free range parent.
I think I will probably address some of these in individual posts, so today I’m just going to share what I came up with. And then…then, I’d like to know what your philosophies are.
- Telling kids no.
- Letting them fight their own battles and ask their own questions.
- Being willing to admit I’m wrong.
- Moderation: in food, in toys, in TV, and related to that…
- Giving the gift of family instead of Stuff.
- Loving touch.
- Tolerance: Not stopping them from doing things that aren’t wrong, even when it’s annoying.
- Allowing them to suffer. (I have a lot to say on that subject, so as horrible as it sounds, bear with me. I’m not talking about making them suffer, just allowing it when it happens.)
What all these have in common is this: letting go. As parents, we are often urged not to “rush” children to grow up. But at the same time, we feel anxious if we don’t have our kids in one sport every season, music lessons and speaking three languages. Most of my music students have more than one extracurricular activity every day. If that’s not pushing kids to carry an adult’s load, I don’t know what is. And I think we feel that instinctively, which is why we end up doing things for them that they should be doing for themselves–to try to offset it. And that’s how we get helicopter parenting.
I want to be the anti-helicopter parent…but still nurture and love them. My goal is for my children to leave–even Julianna, my little girl with the magic chromosome–to fly the nest, to leave me free to do all the things I’ve put off in the service of my children–but to love them so thoroughly and completely that they’re happy to return.
Most days, I think I fall far short. But every once in a while, when I’m loving them so hard my body almost can’t stand the force of it–every once in a while, I’m sure I’ll succeed.
Kathleen M. Basi 
I haven’t ever really thought about my mothering practices. I, too, mother with an intent that they will be independent. But I want them to want me, too. I think it is more difficult parenting from a broken home background…some issues get wrongly magnified. I look forward to reading yours.
Great list, looking forward to further post as you expand on these ideas. I would also say I try and strike a balance; believing that by letting infants/toddlers form strong attachments they will feel secure enough to explore the world on their own.
I totally would echo all of those practices and my goal as a parent is going to be to make Daniel independent. You and I both know that doing that is going to require a little more creativity with our special needs children but I totally believe it’s possible.
I like this list and am looking forward to reading more about it. I have never thought about my ultimate goal in parenting before. Interesting…
Your comment about “fly the nest” is so appropriate. I know my most important task is to prepare my child (and my stepchild) to be ready to take on the world – its joys, sorrows, failures, inspiration and successes – with a supportive network, but on their own. It’s a scary job, and one that I try to keep in mind every day.
Love it!