It was one of those days.To wit:
Michael would not consent to be laid down…all day. Imagine. Every time I tried to make lunch, use the bathroom, or aid another child in a self-care task, I had to endure heartbreaking wails.
Nicholas kept whimpering pathetically, “I want you, Mommy!” (translated: I want to sit on your lap.) Refer to my last.
Nicholas and Julianna bickered, took toys from and pushed each other, causing periodic eruptions of screaming.
I returned to the computer after, I don’t know, changing a diaper, to find a screen display completely rearranged and a mouse on its maximum sensitivity. The screen was just tiled like a triptych–not a big deal–the point was that Nicholas has been handling, moving and breaking everything in sight lately, and he had no reason to be messing with the computer at all. I yelled at him to JUST STOP TOUCHING THINGS, and he stuck his lower lip out and pouted (this kid’s got the guilt routine down, I’m telling you) and whimpered, “I get my twuck.”
“Yes, play with your truck,” I said, clutching the shredded remains of my composure around me like a too-small robe. He got down on all fours under the computer desk…and turned off the computer power strip.
I don’t exactly remember what came out of my mouth before I clamped my lips shut on it, but you might imagine it wasn’t pretty. Not…pretty…at…all. (Stop laughing! I need several months before I can laugh at this story!)
Deep breath, missy. In…..out….in…out.
At the end of this long, hard day, I wanted nothing more than to be left alone. Alex sat down to finish Return of the Jedi. This is a new thing for him, and he’s pursuing it with his usual enthusiasm, running headlong through all three of the oldies in the span of a week. But there are some pretty intense scenes in Jedi–you know, lightning bolt torture–and I needed to tell him when to hide his eyes. So I breezed back and forth from kitchen to office to living room, narrating to Alex what was happening (because let’s be honest, a lot of it’s still over his head).
And as I watched Luke battle his darker nature, as the twin Darths pushed his buttons and dismantled his hope one block at a time, maneuvering him into an emotional corner, I suddenly recognized myself: trying–trying so hard–not to lose it. Knowing the stakes: “Once you start, forever will it dominate your destiny” (what did we ever do for wisdom before Yoda?) Trying to be serene in the face of a repeated bombardment of frustration and desperation. To focus on the choice to love, instead of giving in to my own Dark Side.
Luke finally had enough; the lightsabers came out, and he began his journey toward Ultimate Bad Guy status. But then…then he recognized what was happening. He put the brakes on, threw the weapon away, decided he’d rather die the man he wanted to be than live as everything he’d fought against.
There’s a lesson in there for me. I haven’t worked it all out yet, but I think it has something to do with choosing, time and time again, to get up after I face plant along the Mommy Road.
Like I couldn’t have worked that out for myself. Right?
(Speaking of Star Wars…we just really need some Cello Wars today.)
Kathleen M. Basi 
Maybe the lesson is you have to let a few things go and obviously the kids can’t be one of them…. seems like you are doing wayyyyy lots while caring for a newborn and two little ones plus homework when the eldest comes home each day.
Yes, there’s always a matter of “how much of what can I do?” I’ve never before felt like I *couldn’t* take on more than I’m already doing. And I’m recognizing that I need to take an occasional day off work…because let’s face it, I’m now a work at home mom, not a stay at home mom.
We like to believe we are super moms whether we work at home, outside the home or have no paycheck whatsoever (then we overfill our time with volunteering)…. it’s hard to find that balance. All moms lose their cool at times (even the ones that appear to be so together out in public)…just hang in there
It’s that six month thing. I keep reminding myself of that, but it still seems sooooo far away. 🙂
Yes, yes. we just have to keep getting up the next day (or minute, whatever the case may be) 🙂
I think that often the grace is in the breathing…in not saying what is itching to get out. Breathe in the sunshine, blow out the smoke. On those days, I still find myself breathing a lot and sometimes just letting them have a movie marathon day because that is the only way that there can be peace in our house. We all need that peace. Sometimes it comes from time alone in their rooms.
Just as an FYI, there was a full moon yesterday or the day before and that does make a huge difference.
Kate, I love this post (Luke Skywalker also taught me many things about motherhood… I’m sure I’ve watched all the movies at least ten times each with my sons!) I vividly remember many days like this, although it seems like a lifetime ago now.
Love this. I’m sorry about the computer. Yoda is what Confucius and Jiminy Cricket tried to be I think. And to think originally Yoda was going to be a monkey in a suit and not a Jim Henson puppet.
And I promise I’m not laughing. I’ll laugh with you later.
“There’s a lesson in there for me. I haven’t worked it all out yet.”…the story of my life!
This takes me back to my days of causing endless mischief with my younger brother and driving my poor mom crazy. Sometimes kids get in really bratty moods where they do naughty stuff deliberately just to push things. At least that’s what I remember of myself and my brother. It must be how moms become saints.