I’ve been out of balance lately, and it showed: short fuse with the kids, a constant sensation of barely keeping my head above water, a house so disorganized and messy that it grated on my nerves. I don’t like feeling this way, and every time I do, I question whether I’m actually doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.
I brought it up in Confession last week, and braced myself for his response. But the associate pastor went a totally different direction than I expected. We all think balance is static, he said. But that’s not how it works. Balance is always in motion. It has to be. Like when you cross a tightrope wire. Because you’re in motion, the balance is always shifting. That’s just the way it is. It’s not like you’re ever going to reach a sweet spot where the balance stays still.
It was a very freeing thought, one that relieves the guilt, though not the urgency to act. And so last week, I spiraled downward in writing productivity and upward in the direction of family and home. I let myself be distracted from my work and lengthened the list of housekeeping tasks until Friday the only writing I did was finish a blog post. For Easter weekend, I was mother, wife and homemaker.
At the end of it, I am exhausted, but feeling less crazed. A new balance, and an appropriate one for the occasion. But last night as we prepared for bed, I began the mental preparation for the week and realized that I can’t remain in this place. I have four deadlines by the beginning of May…and wedding season is beginning, with five on the books before Memorial Day. Clearly I have to make room for my other obligations.
I would like to make this blog post deeply meaningful and poignant, but the fact is I must shift my efforts elsewhere right now. And that, too, is okay.